Quotes and jokes 2
The Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn’t a dry eye in the audience.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…. I’m a gynecologist”.
Listening to this a colorectal surgeon fainted.
I accompanied my wife to a parlor when she went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle quite nice, and I just asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” she said.
“But my wife is here getting a haircut,” I explained.
“Yes I know!” she replied. “But I need something you’ll come back for”
Fish Scales Skin
‘Nelly’ Shaheen is one of just 14 people in Britain who was Harlequin Ichthyosis – a condition that makes her skin grow seven times faster than normal & causes her skin to appear to change into ‘fish scales’.
The 32-year-old from Coventry West Midlands, lost four of her siblings to the disease at birth and is now Britain’s oldest survivor of the condition.
Children with Harlequin Ichthyosis are born with diamond-shaped scales that can cause problems with the respiratory system and movement.
The extra skin needs to be removed constantly and ointment is also applied four or five times a day.
Nelly was hospitalized with a bacterial infection and given antibiotics to treat her but as a result of side effects, she shed all of her toenails.
Nelly is in the final year of her level three sports diploma at Hereward College in Coventry and hopes to pass her driving test soon.
I went to an Inter-Religion Interrogation Seminar.
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!”
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah you will walk today”
I snapped at him, “There is nothing wrong with me”
The Hindu sadhu came and said “Beta you will walk on your legs today”
I said, “Babaji, nothing wrong with my legs”
The Buddist monk came and held my hands and said: “By the will of the great Buddha you will walk today!”
I rudely told him nothing is wrong with me
After the seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
I believe all religions now, equally, they cannot be wrong!
The obedient wife!!!
There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real ‘miser’ when it came to his real money
Just before he said to his wife… “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” And so he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!” She had a small metal box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl I know you did not fool enough to put all the money in there with your husband.”
So her friend said, “Listen I can’t go back on my words. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it in my account, and wrote him a cheque…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.
Marwari calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa
Clerk: Rs 50/word
Marwari: marrriedGrandpa dead
Clerk: Sorry sir minimum 5 words….
Marwari: Grandpa dead, wheelchair for sale”
Kinds of men
There are three kinds of men in this world.
1.Some remain single and make wonders happen
2. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen
3. Remarried and wonders what happened!
Quotes on a husband’s T shirt
All girls are devils,
But my wife is the queen of all of them.
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