Saturday, 23rd June 2018
23 June 2018

Monthly jokes and facts

Monthly jokes and facts

The innocent wife

Wife calls her scientist husband

“Honey it’s Saturday your late”
“I am busy with my team in an experiment”
“What is that”
“We have just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now waiting for some protein; we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine….
It’s 4 or 5 round experiment so I will be late.”
“Oh dear, I won’t disturb you. Take your time”.

Height of problem

Image result for wife putting lipstick

Wife: Doing her makeup early morning out of bed
Husband: Are you crazy!
Wife: Just shut up I got to unlock my phone it’s not recognizing me.
Husband: !!!!

Thought provoking

Image result for mobile phone and petrol pump

Earlier: Don’t use mobile phones in petrol pumps. It will cause an explosion.
Now: Pay at petrol pumps using mobile. Nation has suddenly become fireproof

Smile

One who smiles rather than rages is always stronger

Some good practices to keep your money safe

Accounts

  • Make two bank accounts
  • Primary account and secondary account
  • Keep all your account in primary account and never use it for online transaction
  • never use the primary debit card anywhere
  • Use the secondary account for all the spending and withdrawing money from ATM
  • Transfer money from primary account when needed and keep balance under Rs 10000

Cards

  1. Use credit cards as much as possible because the liability is on the banks. Debit card means your money is gone. In credit card payments banks can delay or revert the fraudulent payment but not in the case of debit card payment. So the credit card is safer for transactions. If you aren’t earning a handsome salary or have a bad credit score just put an FD of 25000 and get a credit card with it. Never use your debit card for online shopping or at POS terminals.
  2. Get a safer chip-based card. A duplicate copy of magnetic card can be made in minutes, chip-based cards cannot be copied easily.
  3. Never let your card out of your sight when paying in some restaurant, ask them to bring the POS machine to you or you go yourself go to the machine. Also, grab the receipt check and tear.
  4. Always hide the keypad. Those machines that swipe that card have walls to hide your fingers so that no one can see what you’re typing, that isn’t adequate, cover the top of your hand as well. Don’t punch in the numbers by making a fist and taking the index fingers out. Instead type like a person playing piano, i.e: all four fingers resting or hovering over the keypad.

ATM

  1. Always go and inspect the ATM thoroughly. It hardly takes 15-20 seconds to ensure there’s no skimmer in the slot, no camera or device watching your pin etc. The people behind you can wait.
  2. Always tear up ATM receipts into pieces before you throw them into a dustbin.
  3. Never display or show off with the money you just got from the ATM. When the machine gives you cash, count and put the cash into your wallet or purse while being in the ATM itself.

The treadmill

Image result for a man sleeping on a treadmill

The doctor asked me to spend at least one hour per day on the treadmill.

No parking

Related image

 

Sardar comes back to his car and finds a note saying “Parking fine”. He writes a note and sticks it to the pole ” Thanks for the compliment”

Did you know

Image result for uncombable hair syndrome

If your hair is straw-like, cannot be combed, and won’t lie flat, you may have ‘uncombable hair syndrome’. Also called ‘spun glass hair’, it’s a rare hair shaft disorder that causes dry, shiny, and extremely frizzy hair. When examining strands under a microscope, straight hairs are round, curly hairs are oblique, but uncombable hairs are heart-shaped or triangular.

It was five in the evening

Image result for DARK FAT WOMAN BACK

It was five in the evening, the bank was almost closed. All of a sudden, the branch manager received a phone call from a lady. In a sweet voice she said – sir I urgently need 10000. I’ll reach your bank in 10 minutes. Could you please wait for me.
Her voice was so captivating that the branch manager could not say no.
He instructed the cashier to keep the cash ready. The cashier obeyed his boss with great reluctance.
After a while, a dark-complexioned lady with the ugliest face and huge tummy came to the bank, presented the cheque and asked for the money.
The BM was taken back, as he was expecting a cute lady.
He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she could come the next day.
The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was not to pay why he made him sit for such a long time.
BM – it is the universal rule of the banking that….
If words and figures don’t match, payment should be declined.

Very interesting fight

Fight between a husband and wife, instead of resorting to shouting, abusing or physical force, they write poems to each other.
Image result for heart attack in a lady
Wife: I wrote your name on sand it got washed
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got a heart attack.
Related image
Husband: God saw me hungry he created pizza
He saw me thirsty he created Pepsi
He saw me in the dark he created light
He saw me without problem he created you
Image result for twinkling star
Wife: twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
Related image
Husband: the rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and the flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you?
Image result for monkey in a zoo
Wife: Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Image result for watching zoo animals
Husband: don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you.

 

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